Beggars can’t be losers.

Post taken from Jonah's email:

"I thought Jay’s ex-girlfriend was really out of our lives. But heaven only goes that I was wrong. Kakakasal pa lang namin nun when Jay received a uninamous text. "Meet me at the clinic."

I had a stinking feeling in my butt. I told him not to go. It might in danger him. Pero sabi niya, ok lang daw because life is what we make. Tumahimik ang ako. Sabi niya, "Penny for you talks." But I didn’t know what to say. Beggars can’t be losers. Isa pa, worried talaga ako na baka yung girl yun.

Jay said, "Can’t got your tongue?" I tried to smile at him. Kahit di ako nagsalita, actions speak louder than works, di ba?

Be that as is may, umalis pa rin siya. I was out of the loophole. After a few hours, I called him on his cellphone. But my calls fell on Jeff’s ears. Lalo akong nag-worry kasi I didn’t even know Jeff. Sabi na nga ba di na dapat umalis si Jay. That’s what I’m talking about it. So I tried calling some friends who will help me find Jay. That’s what friends are for naman di ba? But I just faced a blank mall. I had to do this alone.

Nag-taxi na lang ako. Pero ang mahal na pala ng plug down rate. When I got to the clinic, the security was really buffed up. Di basta-basta makakapasok. So I said, "I beg your cordon. I’m patient. It’s my favorite virtue nga e." Nagduda yata yung isang guard. Hinawakan ako sa arm. The nerd! I shouted, "Don’t touch me not!" Buti na lang the other guards were nice and said, "Come on, let’s join us."

When I went inside, parang I’ve been there, done there. Nung walang nakatingin, nag-explore ako. Nakarating ako sa top floor and I had a bird’s IQ of the clinic. I could not explain it but I was drawn to a room on the floor. Siguro Divine Intermission na yun. Parang may narinig akong umuungol. I was thorn. Di ko alam kung aalis na ako o papasukin ko. It made me stick in the stomach to think that Jay and his ex-girlfriend were there. I tried to tell myself to slower my expectations. But to tell with it! I had to strike while the iron is not. I had to hear the truth from the corpse’s mouth. I barraged in. O my gas! Si Jay, naka-strap sa operating table, parang genie pig sa isang nakakatakot na experiment. He was on the cutting edge. He was bleeding. At ang doctor na nagpapahirap sa kanya, ang ex-girlfriend niya at ang bago nitong boyfriend, ang nurse na si Walter. Doon ko napatunayang blood is thicker than Walter.

Guess watch! Di ko alam kung paano ko nagawa pero I was able to search and rescue Jay. Siguro adrenaline brush na yun. Now, he’s recovering. Nag-sorry siya na hindi siya nakinig sa akin. I know it’s a better pill to swallow your pride so it’s forgive and forget me not. All swell that end swell. I know we should kiss and put on makeup. Ang ex-girlfriend naman niya at si Walter, nakakulong na. Detention is really better than cure.

So the moral of the lesson is: if symptoms persist, insult your doctor."

last time you were really honestly happy?

*(taken from Leah and Bubble's post)

1 FIRST REAL BEST FRIEND:
* Sofia

2 FIRST SCHOOL:
* Brgy. San Roque day Care Center!

3.FIRST CELL PHONE COLOR:
- Nokia 3210

4 FIRST FUNERAL:
- my maternal grandpa's brother

5 FIRST PET:
- my dog jordan

6 FIRST BIG TRIP:
- manila zoo, kindergarten. During adulthood: Bohol (sumemr vacation)

7 FIRST VACATION:
- Paquil, Laguna

8 FIRST CELEBRITY CRUSH:
- Gabby Concepcion and Ian Veneracion

9 FIRST TIME OUT?
- out as in gimmick? hmmm...can't remember na.

10 FIRST JOB:
- Jollibee, kitchen crew

11 FIRST MYSPACE FRIEND:
- Tom Welling

EVERYONE HAS THEIR LASTS:

13 LAST PERSON YOU KISSED:
- Carli winters, sa cheek

14 LAST CAR RIDE:
- yesterday, going to The Block

15 LAST TIME YOU CRIED?:
- 3 months ago

16 LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED WITH YOUR
FRIEND:
- The Holiday

17 LAST FOOD YOU ATE:
- sinigang and fried eggplants ang bagoong alamang

18 LAST THING BOUGHT:
- yung Victorian-inspired na medallion

19 LAST SHIRT WORN:
- my EET shirt

20 LAST PHONE CALL:
- at the office, an agent calling for absence

20 LAST TEXT MESSAGE:
- from steph

22 LAST THING YOU TOUCHED:
- my Pc's keyboard

23 LAST TIME AT THE MALL:
- Yesterday, Trinoma

24 LAST TIME YOU WERE EXCITED FOR
SOMETHING:
- the family day itself (am part of the organizing team)

25 LAST PERSON YOU SAW:
- my sister

26 LAST THING YOU DRANK :
- sabaw ng sinigang

27 LAST PERSON WHO BROKE YOUR HEART:
- that-jerk-whose-name-i-dare-not-speak

28 LAST TIME YOU WERE REALLY HONESTLY
HAPPY?
- Bohol summer vacation with friends

40 Facts, 26 Secrets

1. Talk to a boy/girl you like ?
* yes.

2. Learn anything new?
* that adrenalin rush can let me forget about eating

3.Talked to an ex?
* not in a very long time

4.Miss someone?
* yup. always

- Last Person Who -
---------------------------------------
5.Laid in your bed?
* my sister

6. Made you cry?
* that-jerk-whose-name-i-dare-not-speak

7. You went to the movies with?
* myself

8. Went to the mall with you?
* my sister

9. You showered with?
* none

10. Made you laugh?
* carli winters

11. Hugged you?
* leah (in an ala FHM photoshoot)

- General Stuff -
---------------------------------------
16. Do you like someone?
* yes

17.Tattoo?
* none

18. What are you most scared of this
second?
* to see that-jerk-whose-name-i-dare-not-speak again

19. Where do you want to get married?
* in a wedding tent or on a beach

21. Does anyone like you?
* I guess so

22. Do you like being around people?
* yes, being around Über fab and fun friends

23.Have you ever cried?
* of course

24. Are you lonely right now?
* hmm..debatable

25. Song stuck in your head?
* "Not Sorry' by terra naomi

26. Been on radio/TV?
* not yet

28. Ever liked someone who treated you
like crap?
* yeah, unfortunately

30. what color shirt are you wearing
right now?
* white

31. Name three things that you do every
day?
1.sleep
2.eat
3.surf the net

32. How many views do you have on your
Friendster right now?
* 51...

33. Are you bored?
* yup

38. What web sites o you visit the
most?
* crunchyroll, mysoju, friendster,multiply, yahoo,
google, youtube

39. Do you have plants in your room?
* none, i'll have one soon: a fire tree

40. Who was the last person to hug you?
* JC

- 26 SECRETS -
---------------------------------------
1.WHAT IS YOUR DISPLAY NAME ABOUT?
* paige22-something i came up with so my colleagues don't have to call me by my last name and 22 being my birthdate
* cafe_mocha22-i love starbucks's cafe mocha

2. WHERE WAS YOUR DEFAULT PICTURE
TAKEN?
* in my room

4.WHAT'S YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP
STATUS?
* single

5. HONESTLY, IF SOMEONE WERE TO TELL
YOU HOW THEY FELT, WOULD YOU LISTEN?
* yes

6. WHATS YOUR CURRENT MOOD?
* irritated

7. WHATS YOUR MOST VALUED POSSESSION?
* my computer

8. HOW ARE THINGS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
* i currently don't have one, but i'm happy with my friends

9. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, AND
CHANGE SOMETHING WOULD YOU?
* yes

11. IF YOU MUST BE AN ANIMAL FOR ONE
DAY- WHAT WOULD YOU BE?
* i'd like to be a mockingbird

12. EVER HAD A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE?
* none yet

16. NAME SOMEONE WITH THE SAME B-DAY
AS U?
* leah marchil

17. HAVE YOU EVER SANG IN FRONT OF A
LARGE AUDIENCE?
* yes but with a group

18. WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE
ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX ?
* lips and eyes and adam's apple

20. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DRUNKEN WEEK?
* yes

21. DO YOU STILL WATCH KIDDY MOVIES OR
TV SHOWS?
* yup, kinda helps loosen me up

24. DO YOU SPEAK ANY OTHER LANGUAGE?
* yes, english and very little Korean

25. IS THERE SOMEONE ON YOUR MIND NOW?
* yes

26. Would you tell someone you like
him/her?
* yes but i don't like i'll ever do it again

willie revillame is like my favorite uncle

my sisters decided to visit our grandma yesterday in taytay, rizal since it's her birthday today.

they just arrived tonight and the moment they stepped into our living room, they started ranting about their unfortunate encounters with our insecure and classless female paternal cousins. you might think i was too harsh to describe them as such but i guarantee you, the moment you read the succeeding paragraphs of this blog, you'll understand why.

as per the retelling of my sister, one of our cousins karen told another cousin that my sisters where "mayabang", "maarte", "kala mo maganda ang buhok", "kala mo maganda katawan". Stuff like that. thank god that other cousin karen revealed her insecurities to decided to tell on her to my sisters. see now?

i mean seriously,why does she have to comment on my sisters like that? as if she's beautiful. i mean she's fat, she's that kind of beauty only her mother can appreciate, she's "banlag" and she is so freaking dumb. if she doesn't like my sisters, she could have just shut up and kept her insecurities hidden. but i guess she can't really help it that my sisters were more beautiful that she ever will be (need i say more?).

i really can't figure out why they're like that. my dad wasn't. to think that karen's mom was my dad's sister. that's why i never really shook off my childish idea that my dad probably was adopted because he is so so so kind and mature and fair and all the rest of his siblings are exact opposites. no wonder why i never had close ties with them. they're all freaking hypocrites!

so, to give you an idea how much i dislik them, let me tell you this: i so hate willie revillame but compared to hating my paternal cousins, willie revillame is like my favorite uncle.

closure

I was eating down at Ministop and the store was tuned in to Dream FM. The current song playing was nice. Just perfect when it's raining cats and dogs.

I was waiting for my instant noodles to cook when I heard these familiar lines from the song on air:

"I need to see you one more time, I need closure..."

Then, like needles peircing flesh, i remembered. I remembered everything. It was the song he was asking me to download into my phone so he can listen to it when we see each other again.

I felt sad again. I realized how much I really miss him that hearing a few words from his song can cause too much longing.

Yes, I guess that's just what I need. Closure. I think it's going to be the last stage of letting go and moving on.

Closure.

i miss saturdays

I miss Saturdays. I really do. What kind of a normal person can willingly go to work on a Saturday night, anyway?

Unfortunately, I am.

I miss drinking sessions with Leah, Bubbles, Antz, Arlyn and Carla on Saturday mornings after shift.

I miss going out on Saturday nights with friends to watch a live gig or dance our hearts out in a club.

I miss watching Celebrity Duets and watch Dr. Hayden Kho perform.

Oh well. I may be missing a lot on my social calendar (my pathetic way of saying I have no choice) but I swear I will return with a vengeance.

I'm gonna die convincing my boss to give me my Saturdays back.

So, for now, video streaming for hours, updating my blogs, writing on my journal and reading novels over coffee will do.

letting go is like a breath of fresh air. why didn't I do it sooner?

"I have self-respect, too...I need to let go so I can get back to to myself..."

then it struck me. i think I'm getting myself back - the me before i met you. the mere fact that i'm trying so hard to forget you is such a big leap for me. you see, when it comes to love, i have never believed in forcing one's self in doing something. i have always believed that If it's meant to fade, it will fade. but this time, it's different. i had to force myself to let go or else i'll be holding on to nothing and lose everything that i am - the respect, the dignity, the self-esteem.

as my friends always say, "You have to have respect for yourself. You can't just let him treat you like a second fiddle." while another guy friend told me (with much conviction and concern i must say), "You're his bitch. He only runs to you because he knows you'll always accept him with open arms no matter what." that was painful to hear but I guess it's true. that friend even retorted, "I'm sorry if it hurt. But you have to realize that so you can knock some sense back into you."

and i am. i got tired so i decided to move on. as Leah once said, "Gaga! You were never friends naman talaga." and she's right. he was too indecisive whether to put me in black or white so he decided to place me in the gray area. and i can't stay hidden in the dark while the he was having a grand time. so i decided i'd rather be alone than be with someone who obviously never came close to feeling the same way i feel about him.

so, let me congratulate myself again for being sober the last 4 months. now i'm thinking, letting go is like a breath of fresh air. why didn't I do it sooner?

my name is ERIN

I was reading one of my emails at the office when I chanced upon an email from one of the people I'm coordinating with. She's from India. And since it was the first time we have encountered through cyberspace, she still doesn't know my nickname. (Yes, we call each other nicknames in the office to make the atmosphere a little more casual.)

So, anyway, the email goes:

"Hi Erin,

As per your request, *blah* *blah* *blah* *blah* *blah* ..."

Nothing special about the content of the email really. What struck me is the nickname she used to address me. "Erin". Pretty cool actually. I have put much thought to the other nicknames for my real name except for the usual ones:"Khaye", "Cathy", "Catz" and the latest, "Paige".

You see my name is Catherine Ann, and to tell you the truth, I never really thought that "Erin" could be one of my nicknames. Sounds too feminine, (which is so not me, by the way) don't you think?

Nice nickname if you think about it. Actually sounds better than the one people at the office use to call my attention. No intention of changing my nickname, though. Maybe, I'll have my future beaux call me that--"Erin".