i'm the bitter cat lady..without any cats

after much prodding and reluctance, i finally convinced myself to watch "my best friend's wedding" once again. about a month ago, i tried watching it after i went home from the office but realized that it was still too painful for me to do so. yes, i may be too melodramatic. it's just a movie, right? what harm can it to do me?

Truth is, in real life, i'm like julianne. i am in love with my once-"almost"-lover-turned-best-friend.

when i first watched the movie, it felt like it's going to have a happy ending and i love happy endings! in this world of disappointments, it's one of the few things you can hold on to. so it's an easy guess that i was drawn to the plot. i can't wait to see how all this would end. i mean who wouldn't want to end up marrying your best friend in the world?

but reality smacked me right in the face when the plot is slowly concluding. who would have thought the story would end so, so un-"happily ever after"? the movie ends when julianne realizes that her best friend, michael is truly in love with kimmy, the woman he's marrying, decides to let go and make her best friend happy by getting them back together.

don't i sound bitter? yes i do. 3 years into this crazy shit hole and i still can't face the fact that i love him and that he loves someone else. plus, the movie represents every single cliche about reality and love that i can think of:

• man wants what he cannot have.
• not all stories have happy endings.
• happy endings don't happen in real life...
• and the list goes on and on...

it symbolizes everything that's there but i chose not or refuse to see. so yes, i'm the bitter cat lady..but without any cats.

my dream wedding

This is a survey about your dream
wedding, whether it be in the next or
after ten years. So, please answer
after you read, the person who
answered this before you took a great
deal of effort. This is going to be
fun.

1. How old are you?
- 22

2 . Are you single or in a
relationship?
- single

3. In what age do you think you’ll get
married?
- 27

4. Do you think you’ll be marrying the
person you are with now?
-Nope (coz I don't have anyone right now and I can't be married to myself.)

5. If not, who do you want to marry?
-Someone who loves me as much as I love him

6 . Do you want a garden/beach
wedding, or the traditional church
wedding?
-Beach wedding

7. Where do you want to get married?
-Panglao Beach or on a beach resort in Batangas

8 . Where do you plan to go on a
honeymoon?
-Italy or Paris

9 . How many guests do you think
you’ll invite?
-closest friends and family

10. Do you want an extravagant
wedding or a simple wedding?
-a simple, solemn and elegant wedding

11. Do you want the traditional vows
or something you’d make up on your
own?
-I want to read to him the vows that I've written myself

12. How
many layers of cake do you want to
have?
-3 or 4

13 . Do you prefer having your
reception at a hotel or at a simple
place?
-I want the reception to be in a wedding tent

14. When do you want to get married,
evening or morning?
-Evening

15 . You’d rather have your reception
outdoors or indoors?
-indoors (inside the wedding tent)

16 . Do you like a grand entrance? -
i guess so, so every single guest at my wedding will never forget it

17 . Are you a morning person or a
night person?
-night person

18 . Do you want a solemn ceremony or
a light one?
-a light one

19. What age do you want to get
married?
27

20 . Describe your ideal
husband/wife?
-a man who loves me the way i love him; stable in all aspects

21 .Champagne or red wine?
-champagne

22. Honeymoon right after the wedding
or days after the wedding?
-write after the wedding or better yet, during the reception

23 . Money or household?
-both will do Ü

24. Who will pay for the bills?
-dutch treat

25. Are you ready for married life? -
-NOT YET ( i still want to do a lot of things.)

it's all you can think about

Cristina: "What am I supposed to say? 'I swear to love and cherish you every moment of everyday of my life?' I mean, that's not real. I mean, that's not how it works, right?"

Callie: "It does, at first, but then it..."

Meredith: "It passes."

Izzie: "No it doesn't. You guys are just used to it, that's all. You already have it, you have that thing everybody else wants. You can take it for granted, but let me tell you, if you didn't - if you couldn't be with the person that you love, I guarantee that hearing him promise you, love you and honor you and cherish you, no matter what, it would be pretty much all you could think about."

you don't get to call me a whore

"you don't get to call me whore.
when i met you,
i thought i had found the person
that i was going to spend the rest of my life with.
i was done!
all the boys and the bars and all the daddy issues,
who cares?! i was done.
YOU left me.
YOU choose addison.
I'm all glued back together NOW.
I make no apologies for how i chose to repair what YOU broke.
you don't get to call me a whore."

--mer to derek

pain

pain comes in all forms-
the small twinge, a bit of
soreness, the random pain,
the normal pains we live with
everyday.

then there's the kind of pain you cant
ignore, a level of pain so great
that it blocks out everything else-
makes the rest of the world
fade away.

until all we can think about
is how much we hurt, how we
manage our pain is up to us.

pain, we anesthetize,
ride it out, embrace it,
ignore it. and for some of us,
the best way to manage the pain
is to just push through it.
-Grey

i have a theory

i thought about a lot of things today. things i said i would write down on paper or onto this blog but then i got distracted--by sleep, by a movie, by a new website i discovered--that i lost my train of thought. so i ended up with nothing.

i feel bad because although i've forgotten about it, i know it was a good, blog/journal space-worthy idea.

so here's my theory: things you want to do in life, you started out thinking about them. but if you won't do something to make it happen, it slips through your mind and through the years, forget about it. then by the time you remember it and is ready to give it a second try, it's usually too late.

my point? if you thought about something good, or something you want to do, write it down somewhere. somewhere you can always check on. put a date on it for reference. it's going to be your record, something to not make you forget, something to keep you on track. it's the first step of making it happen. this is one lesson i learned from Oprah but it's also one of those things i always forget to do.

Make sense to you?

home sweet home plus the greatest surprise

so, my journey back home began.

i set foot on the bus at 9:30 in the morning yesterday and have psyched myself up for the 3 hour ride ahead. first hour, i fell asleep. when i woke up, the bus was already in batangas. was kinda excited coz i figured, only 1 more hour and I'll be back home. texted my mom to let her know were i am and replied that i have along way to go. then i realized, the bus still has to pass through laguna, tiaong, candelaria, sariaya and then lucena where i will need to get on a 30-minute jeepney ride to tayabas, my home town.

but all the wait (longest 5-hours of my week) was worth it. because when i traversed our anay-infested staircase and set afoot on our threshold, there he was, the one person i've been wanting to see for the last 10 years. my tito noel. finally, after a decade, i saw him again. i was so happy, i ran to him and hug him so tight, he said, he had bruises on his hips.

i've always longed to see him. but for the last 2 times that i visited tayabas, he was always out of town working. he was the one who taught me how to write when i was four years old, he was the one who would bathe me and cleaned my ears with q-tips until i fell asleep. he'd whack me with his farmer's hands if he caught me watching tv when he told me to read. he'd brought me fresh fruits from our farm and plant a paracetamol into my banana just so i could take the medicine without knowing it when i'm sick (you see, i've hated taking tablets, i'd always liked capsules). only flaw to this strategy: i always end up chewing on that pesky bitter tablet. haha.

later today, i'll be meeting with my grade school classmates for a party. this vacation couldn't get any better!!